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Rejection:
Dealing with getting rejected
It’s a fact of life that whenever we approach other
people socially, we face the risk that people will sometimes reject us. You
might get turned down for coffee, for a dance, for a party, a relationship, or
even for marriage.
Everyone gets rejected at times. The only people who
never experience rejection are those who never interact with other human
beings.
Rejection is never fun to experience, and some people
have a very hard time getting over it.
When you get rejected socially, do you tell yourself
that you are doomed to be rejected forever? Do you see every rejection from
another person as proof that you are somehow not good enough? Do you see it as
a sign that no one will ever really like you?
If getting socially rejected triggers these sorts of
negative beliefs in you, you’re not alone. Many people do react this way,
and it often keeps them from having the social life they really want.
But is this the only way to look at rejection? Even
those people who have healthy self-esteem, who are outgoing and who make lots
of social overtures to others, get rejected on occasion.
The difference is that socially confident people
don’t feel deeply bothered by rejection. They don’t blame themselves. They
don’t view rejection as proof that they are somehow flawed.
For most socially confident people, being rejected is
a relatively trivial experience that is soon forgotten.
For those people who are shy and sensitive, rejection
can be a long lasting, emotionally traumatic experience.
Rejected. It can be such an ugly word.
One of the reasons why rejection can cause us so much
difficulty is that in our minds we often tie rejection to so many other ugly
words that cause us even more pain. Humiliated. Inadequate. Useless. Loser.
Not good enough. Pathetic. Lonely.
The more we dwell on the negative aspects of getting
rejected, the more unnecessary pain we will experience, and the harder it will
be to approach someone socially the next time.
People who are socially successful tend to take all
the credit for their social successes for themselves. When socially confident
people get rejected, they usually assign the blame to the other person!
This is the opposite of how shy and lonely people
often react. Shy and lonely people tend to grab all the blame for themselves
if their social overture is rejected, and if their overture is accepted they
may believe the other person made a mistake in accepting them!
Rejection is much more troubling to those people who
are very emotionally sensitive, those who have low self-esteem, or who have
had a very dysfunctional or abusive childhood.
Here are some of the ways in which those people who
are very emotionally sensitive, who lack confidence and self esteem, or who
are very shy, will react to rejection. They will:
-fear the risk of rejection far more than socially
confident people do
-be more likely to experience rejection as a very painful and humiliating
experience.
-often assume they are entirely to blame if they are rejected
-are likely to interpret social rejection as proof that they are somehow at
fault, or defective.
-are more likely to imagine rejection even where none has occurred
-are more likely to avoid social interactions if they believe rejection might
occur.
-are more likely to believe that if they have been rejected by one person,
they will continue to be rejected by everyone else, for the rest of their
lives.
There is good news though. Even if you are very
emotionally sensitive or shy, even if you didn’t get much emotional support
as you were growing up, you can still learn to change the way you talk to
yourself about the experience of rejection.
A person with healthy self-esteem realizes that
taking occasional social and emotional risks is a necessary part of developing
relationships.
If someone turns them down, they don’t take it
personally. They just move on and look for someone else who will be more
receptive. It doesn’t occur to a socially confident person to think that the
reason they were rejected is because they are deeply flawed or inadequate.
You can learn to adopt the same beliefs about
rejection that a person who is socially confident has.
Here is a brief summary of steps you can take to
overcome your fear of rejection:
-Remind yourself why you want to overcome your fear
of rejection. Remind yourself that your goal is to have a happy social life.
-Change what you say to yourself about rejection. Don’t tie your self worth
to whether or not you get accepted or rejected by other people.
-Make many, many social approaches to other people.
-Take a series of baby steps when developing new relationships.
You may need a lot of practice to change the way you
think about rejection, and you may need the help of a good therapist to point
out new, more supportive ways of thinking.
Remind yourself that the end result will be worth the
effort.
When we hold back from interacting with others
because we fear they might reject us, not only do we give up some occasional
pain and discomfort, but we also miss out on all the potential warmth,
comfort, fun and excitement that other human beings can offer us.
If you never put yourself in a situation where
someone can say “no” to you, you will also never be in a situation where
someone can say “yes” to you.
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About the author:
This article is taken from the new short report by
Royane Real titled “How You Can Overcome Your Fear of Rejection” Check it
out at http://www.lulu.com/real
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